To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
