Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Randomize
