Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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