Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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