an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
