Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
