I could make wine with my vomit
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Randomize
