Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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