I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
we're making bets on your personal life
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
