So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
