i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
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