as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
I just threw up on my dentist
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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