fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
