I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
