i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
