It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
