My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
