Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Randomize
