He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
