I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
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