Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
My dick has a subreddit
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
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