dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Randomize
