none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
