I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
