Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
