I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
