There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Randomize
