i love accidental penises.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I have tasted many bathrooms
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
