chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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