So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
