I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Randomize
