What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
