I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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