I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
