He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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