It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
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