she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Come share oat with me in your robe
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
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