I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
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