dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
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