Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Randomize
