I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
