I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
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