A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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