Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
