Where is the hickey?
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
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