Can i not drive my cunt home
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
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