I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Randomize
