I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
