How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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