Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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