My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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