bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
