We tried having a conversation with our noses.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Randomize
